My daughter's defiance devastates me

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Dear Annie: My daughter, “Melanie,” now 34, dated a boy when she was 15. It only lasted a few months. Melanie and I had a great relationship before they started dating. The boy's mother has kept her relationship with Melanie to this day. She always loved Melanie and constantly made remarks that her son was an idiot for ending the relationship. She'd say things like how she wanted a daughter just like mine.

The mother even introduced my daughter as hers on many occasions, while I was standing right there!

She's gone against my wishes, allowing Melanie to go somewhere or buy something when I specifically said no before she turned 18. I know Melanie fully manipulated us to get what she wanted.

I spoke to the mother on several occasions, and she always said she wouldn't interfere, but she did and has. The very worst was, she hid Melanie's whereabouts when she got angry at me and left the state in the middle of the night just after she turned 18. I had no idea where she was for nearly a year. I begged this woman to tell me where Melanie was, but she wouldn't.

I was so angry and fed up

I had to do something to get this woman to go away. I have no idea what happened with her church. I sent a very nasty text to Melanie about this woman and how I really felt. She forwarded the text to her, and the mother tried to get a restraining order against me! The judge threw it out because I had absolutely no contact with her, which she admitted I didn't. I felt like Melanie threw me under the bus by showing her that message and stirred the pot even more by doing so.

This woman has been lying, deceitful, disrespectful and narcissistic toward me from day one. Yet, Melanie still maintains a relationship with her. This woman has interfered with my relationship with my daughter for many years, always coming off as the victim. Am I wrong here? Is my daughter that sadistic that she enjoys the

drama between us? Is she so unaware of how distraught I am over this? Should I still be very angry and hurt by all of this? Are my feelings warranted? — Lost My Daughter

Dear Lost My Daughter: It's completely valid to feel confused and hurt by this situation you don't understand. It may be hard to accept, but as your daughter is an adult, it's up to her what relationships she wants to pursue, and she's made it clear this is one she isn't abandoning any time soon. By continuing to dig in your heels, I'm afraid you'll only lose more of Melanie to this other woman.

Try to focus purely on your one-on-one relationship with Melanie. Let her and this woman have whatever dynamic they will continue to have without your involvement or knowledge. There's little you can do to change the bond between them, but you can try turning around the trajectory of your own relationship with Melanie. Show Melanie love and acceptance and ignore her “other mom” altogether, especially when you talk to Melanie.